Moving from a deep silence and resting with my Lord, into the harshness of the real world that I live in.
Taking the Lord I meet up with, and bringing Him along with me, no matter where the mess of my day goes.
When my husband comes down the stairs early in the morning, and I am in the midst of my solitude and early rising prayer, in simple words, I want to scream. Maybe even cry. Punch something. And then scream again. The mere sound of his feet moving above me, getting out of the bed, walking into the bathroom, creaking down the stairs, sniffling, pouring coffee, water running, pill bottles opening....it drives me crazy. Getting angry at the one you love for no other reason than he is alive, does not make for a very productive prayer time.
I just came in the from the bus stop, with every intention of getting right to work on this disaster of a place we call "home", however, a quick prayer while waiting for the school bus to arrive gently put on my heart "write first" before jumping into the busyness of the day. So, I filled a bowl with yogurt and berries, heated up my coffee, and sat down to a blank screen....
and then my husband walked down the stairs.
and walked into the room where I am sitting.
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
The nerve of this man to be in his home while I am in it too!
OK, so here is the deal.
My husband is a rock star, and I love him, and he certainly has the right to walk around, and enter any room of the home that he works to pay for. He even has the right to use the bathroom, run the water, and get out of bed in the morning. And, I actually do like him. This has nothing to do with the way his body creaks the stairs, or the way he always has the untimely timing of appearing when I am so obviously just about to peak in Holiness and communion with every angel and saint in heaven above. (This is why an Angel of the Lord will never appear to me and ask me to do something for God. Unless of course, he appears when I tell him to appear. But I am pretty sure, from what I have read, that they sort of come unannounced, which by the way, I am not a fan of...people showing at my home unannounced. I like a "head up" so I can at least wipe up the cat vomit, or put the "cup and mouth guard" sitting on my kitchen counter in a less obvious and disgusting place. )
I am great when it is just me and my God. Really! You should see me! I must look radiant, I am so darn deep in prayer. I am so good and so pure when there are no interruptions or distraction; when there is nothing but silence. But news flash: I am a married woman with four children, a cat with fleas, and a dog that is in the process of being treated for heart worm which, by the way, is some kind of small crazy nightmare. When I chose this life for myself, a life with worms and fleas and kids, and all that I would never, ever trade, I sort of agreed to if not the possibility, but the absolute guarantee, that the road ahead would be peppered with interruptions and distractions.
This is what I want to be. I want to be the kind of woman, wife and mother, that remains in Jesus. I want to be holy in solitude, and I want to be holy in the midst of life's biggest storm, which for the record, is every other day over here. The peace I feel when abiding in Christ, when it is just me, a rising sun, a lit candle, and no other sound but the dogs quiet breathing, in and out, as he sleeps on my lap and I rest in Jesus' arms...that is the same peace I want to have deep within me always...that is the peace I want to hold onto when the next storm hits. Everyday, there is something. Earthquake. Tornado. Hail storm. It is remarkable, really. But it is the truth. Every day is a goody bag of highs and lows, waters shallow and deep. And I don't want to waver. I don't want to be the kind of person that prays alone, and writes about faith, and leads a ministry and goes to daily mass, only to throw it all out the window when the first cloud of the day rolls in. Or when my husband walks in.
And I am not implying that my husband is a storm. In fact, he is the opposite. He is the rest that you find in the storm. When he creaks down the stairs, and takes his pills, and runs that water, and pours that coffee, he also comes to me, says not a word, takes my empty coffee up, fills it up, and then sits across from me....to pray. My husband and his so called interruption is actually something that I prayed for, for many years. I begged God to give me a husband that is holy, that loves Him, and that makes prayer a priority. And God answered me.
I suppose I need to reflect on that. I suppose I have to think about how much I have asked for, how many things I have begged God to give me...and I need to recognize that He has answered every single prayer. Perhaps not in the way I imagined, but answered, none the less. And sure, I can complain. We can always find reason to complain. Complaining is so easy and something I am very good at. Wanna hear?
God, I asked for a dog....why did you give me a sick one???
God, I asked for a husband that prays...but not at the same time I am praying!
God, I asked for many children, but not ones that didn't know how to hang a towel or clear their plate!
God, I asked that you make me Holy, but not by this suffering!
See? Told you I was good.
Well, my husband took a hint and went upstairs. Must have been when I stared at him, and said, "Funny. I was just writing about interuptions." I am subtle like that. My yogurt is gone and so is the coffee, and this house really needs to be scrubbed, or disinfected, or burned down. And so this is what I am going to attempt today. I will do dishes and scrub toilets and put clothes away...I will medicate the dog, work in a shower, and pick up the basement. And I will do all of this, with every noise and distraction, and offer it to God as a prayer of Thanksgiving. I will not look at the loved ones God has gifted me with as interruptions. I will not seek out holiness the way I want to find it, but will allow every single circumstance and encounter to be an opportunity to find holiness and grace. Every word I speak, every deed and chore, I will do it in Jesus' name. And when I feel that frustration and annoyance creeping in, I will stop, pray the Our Father, say thank you, and move on.
And then I will sneak out to Adoration, where silence is guaranteed, and dogs aren't allowed.
And when the old man behind me whispers the Hail Mary, fifty times, I promise...I will not be irritated.
I am trying so hard to live a quiet life free from distraction, and yet I am beginning to see that perhaps my way to God is not by finding the route that takes me around these interruptions, but rather, the road he has paved for me requires my walking straight into them; taking them head on, strengthening my soul, trading in complaint for gratitude, for the sake of His holy name.
Whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord- Col. 3:17